Happy New Year 2011. New Me, New Blog!

My emotions run like a wild cat looking for food. Ready to pray on all that looks edible. I look around to see what is in my path to satisfy the hunger I feel. One so overwhelming that I must satisfy this void. A void only I can heal.

I see myself this way because I see everything that unfolds around me. I am quiet about everything that happens. I act as though I am naive and have no knowledge of what is happening. I take my silence and suffer within. I feel as if the walls crumble and I try to lift the pieces.

One thing I know, is that my heart has become more of a rock than it should. My soul shouts for more peace and rejuvenation. My mind runs wild with thoughts and helplessness. I feel trapped within myself trying to release what needs to be unleashed. My soul yearns for new ways to feel free. My soul wants to soar like an eagle and become free.

Understanding life and everyone, everything around it, is very difficult at times. It can be heart breaking, hurtful and pure pain. Understanding the learning experience comes with time as the focus comes back in detail and to the point.

I hunger for a more stable and beautiful oneness with myself. Learning to deal with things myself has become a broken record in my life. When will the record be repaired? When will my life become stable to where those around me stop hurting me.

Dissappearing within the Universe is what I should do, but running away gets me nowhere.

I must learn to understand myself so that I can handle situations more smoothly and with less bitter. I need to remind myself that no one will Love me more than I love me. I need to learn that nothing in this world is more important than myself and my children. I must fight my own emotional roller coaster as no one will give a damn but myself. I must learn that in this world, I came alone and will leave alone.

Understanding life is a challenge, however a brilliant and beautiful triumph I will gain when I conquer the quest of knowing me!

At times, all we need is patience.

We desire to have a life that everything happens in a quick manner and by all means, we want it fast.

Something I have learned and still am learning is to have patience with everything we desire in life. It seems as if it were an eternity playing the waiting game, however it unravels and unfolds sooner or later.

I have determined the same thing about love. If we “Make” things faster then what they are meant, you can sabotage the entire relationship in a matter of moments. Although things may be set and placed in order, there are other things that may take time to experience, feel out and see.

Emotions start to unveil and you are able to see a little more clear what you want in life and what seemed to be the perfect thing in your world may not be all what you think it is. It either can be a lot more appealing then that you have imagined or simply something you decide that you would like to hold off for awhile until you are sure. Either way, you need patience in order to see clear and realize whats unfolding in front of you is what you actually desire in your life.

I have personally (As i am sure all of you at one time or another) have made plenty of mistakes and learned from them. If only we gave some situations patience, I am sure it would have unfolded a lot better than what it was intended. Things may have been a lot better than what you thought. Only patience will tell you the truth of “What is”.

Patience is something I have learned to grasp in life, although it is tough and rough at times but, I know that Patience is actually a bigger and stronger friend than I have ever thought it would be.

Patience = A stronger and better outcome!!

My Dearest Lancelot,

I send you kisses everyday. No matter where you are.

I wonder if you feel them touch your skin?

My obsession is you. You are the lifeline that keeps me uplifted and alive.

You are the one that fills my soul with love, energy and life.

You inspire my kids like no one has ever done. You took them under your wing and nurtured them as if you were their biological father. You teach them what life is about and how important it is to become a better them.

You have done more for us emotionally than anyone else in our lives. You care for us, you nurture us, you pamper us, and most importantly you love us unconditionally. We feel the pureness of your love. We feel the inner you.

The inner you is so beautiful. It is magic. One that cannot be explained, but felt.

When you are not with me, I feel you. I feel your energy. It is so pure and perfect. You are the perfect me, and I am the perfect you. We are as one and this is how love really should be. Its so pure that you dont know how to take it. A love with no limitations, no ego, no jealousy, only of Love.

Did you know that you are the one I send kisses too daily?

My lips pucker and softly releases kisses of pure, soothing and sexual energy. I sigh every time I release a kiss to you.

I wonder once the kiss touches your skin from afar, do you feel any sensations?

Do you realize that it is I sending you kisses?

Do I even cross your mind?

Answer me Lancelot, what do you feel, what do you think, what do you sense?

Remember my dear, It is the loving part of me, loving you in spirit.

I love you and I forever will!

Sincerly,

Guinevere

(This is written by one of my fans that read my blogs. Great story!)

I hope you are blushing, cause that is the first step.. Would love to be licking and sucking on that clit until your were arching your back and pushing my head into your pussy to drive my toungue deeper and faster… licking and twirling on that clit… my hands reaching under your ass to drive closer to my face…. your legs squirming… your breathing really heavy… almost moaning as you are building inside with excitement and your pussy is wet, hot, and on fire… BIG SMILES…..

Now I hope you are a lil excited, which is even is better… and lets just say that i would love to more than lick that pussy… love to give you a nice finger fuck at the same time… making sure to rub your clit up and down between my forefinger and thumb, before slipping my finger deep inside you and working it in and out… with the other hand on your nipples twisting them gently and and squeezing your breast… umm… your pussy is just so fucking dripping we now… umm… wonder what is next?

oh fuck, thats right… next would be me easing you up on all fours with that nice and juicy ass facing me and slipping my stiff cock gently into the wet pussy… oh jesus.. almost had to keep from cumming right there cause it was so wet, warm, and moist and nice and tight around my thick hard cock… slowly slipping it in deeper…. my hands reaching around to grab your tits… rub your clit and ease it even deeper… i am thick baby… and want you to feel all of me… then i am just going to find a nice rocking motions… holding your hips to my cock as a work the speed a little faster and harder…a little moan escapes your lips and i slap that ass… my balls are now slapping against that pussy as i am arching my back… driving it deeper and harder… your tits are swinging around… and i am really fucking you now… i bet that is what you want tonight when you come home…. I hope it is and would love to give you something more; okay????
well, i can say that i would love to have thos succulent lips around my cock and squirt my cum deep down your throat… a nice big salty sweet tasting load… umm.. that makes my cock hard just thinking about it…  so nice… love to be squeezing those perfect tits.. while you just sucking me off… cant get enough of your whole body… loving it and just having you lick the cum off the tip of my cock gets me so hard and horny… love to think about you could be licking me and sucking me and playing with my balls… love to give you all of my hard cock… damn you are fucking sexy… love to give that pussy exactly what you want… and hope that right now you are as wet as i am hard biggest smile ever!

I start to think to myself, why someone so perfect like you want to be with someone that has so many flaws.

I am very demanding, I at times can be selfish and just hard to deal with.

I wonder if you will one day get tired of me and just say, “Fuck it, I cant take this anymore”. I feel as if the walls start to tremble and start to fall. I wonder once they fall if they will lye there forever?

I have been hurt so many times. I have been stomped on, beaten, and spit on. I have never had a solid support in my life.

My mother never cared, my father almost killed me and I have so much hatred in my family. Everyone talks about each-other, they act like they love you but make fun of you when you turn. My family starts drama just for the hell of things. No one really cares.

I have started to become the outsider of the family. The one that makes her own nest, the nest of peace and love. I get condemned for being different. Being the one that does not want to follow in their religious “Footsteps”. The one that started to resent and hate religion. The one that stomps and despises what religion teaches, as they are all egoistic people. The majority will not follow examples of what  Jesus did or practiced, but they preach, “What will Jesus do?” I have family members that are extremely hypocrite.  I am not condemning any of them, if they are happy this way, then so be  it. They are adults, they can do what they want to do.

Why would you want to be with someone like me?

You are extremely pure in spirit. You are perfect for any woman out there. You are beautiful. You are honest, caring and have a wonderful life.

I became a stronger person in life because of all the bullshit I had to see, hear and even experience. My life was not a walk in the park, but I don’t blame anyone either for my decisions. I learned from all the horrific experiences. I became a stronger person.

I am a different person. One that will stand up for herself. Express who she is, even if others “Judge” her.

Sometimes I feel dead inside. It is like I am fed up with life, people, family and even myself.

Why be with someone like me? Why take chances with someone that never had a normal life and all is so chaotic? WHY??

Why have a relationship with someone that needs more inspiration of just “Whatever the fuck it may be”?

You are so perfect in every way. You have no idea how perfect you are. You dont see what I see.

I see a man that is worth more than any emerald, gold, Diamonds or luxury on this Universe. You are every woman’s dream.

I can honestly say that those that did you wrong were so stupid and naive because if they really realized what they had, they would have kept you in a golden box filled with riches and love.

I guess I have never told you this, but I am intimidated by you. In a way that only my heart knows how to explain it.

You have nothing to lose, only to gain. You have no idea how perfect you are. You have no idea. I see it. I feel it and I wish I had just a grain of sand of what you fully have.

Although, I have a lot of hurt that has healed slowly, suffered in ways unimaginable and overcome it, and cried so many tears that would have filled the Atlantic ocean over and over again, the Universe sent you to me. I must have something of value. I must have something to give you because the Universe never fails. It gives you the most perfect gifts in life although we still question them and do not utilize the time to caress it, we tend to question why it was sent to us.

All I can say is that I love you with all of me. Although I don’t have a lot to offer, I can offer you the purity of my love to you.

If you are ok with being with someone so imperfect,that has disowned the majority of her family, Is starting over in creating better friends and being an awesome mother, than I want to stay with you forever!

You have no idea what you mean to me or my little Angels. We love you endlessly with no expectations.

I love you!

Sometimes in life, you have disappointments, sadness, misfortunes, and frustrations.

It becomes overwhelming at times when you have a lot of it at the same time. You start to feel overpowered.

I lay in my bed, thinking, picking apart and simply analyzing my life. I start to feel withdrawal of damages, hurt, pain and simply melancholy.

I start to mourn the death of the old me. I mourn who I was. I reflect on who i used to be.

Tears start rolling down my cheeks as I feel that I need to cut ties with friends, family and acquaintances. As I see that the majority of people are not who I thought they were. People acting as your friend, when in reality they are envious and always bring the negative about everything around. They play petty games to make you feel guilty to fill and uplift their ego.

Family members that use you in so many ways. They see you as family so you must give them what they ask or you are in the wrong. They have the least consideration for you because you are attached by blood and they feel that you cannot detach yourself from them.

I feel guilty, however I know I need to do this for my children, Lancelot and myself.

Demons surround me laughing in my face. They tell me that I need to stay connected with the old me. They say that I am worthless like everyone else that used to be in my life. They say that I need not leave and stay miserable my entire life. They start to yell worthless words at me. I know that I am better than this!

I hold my head up high. I say to the old me, ” I acknowledge the old me, I learned from you, I am stronger. I bless you and Goodbye”.

Light starts to shine over me. I feel a power of the new me. Uplifting feelings surrounds me, it welcomes me.

My energy feels positive, loving and full of joy.

I see the old wood rot pealing off me. It resembles the old me as well as the ones I am detaching from.

I feel the positive changes, it feels great. My life has become a new chapter. I am loving the new me.

I am ready to achieve and conquer this new life.

I will never let anything ruin me, hold me down.

I AM a NEW me!

At times my mind starts to wonder. It runs wild with  many imaginations.

My imagination runs with such freedom. It starts to create something that connects to the original thought.

I start to smile and sit on my living-room floor in a daze, one that not even loud thunder could snap me out of . I start to think about all the beautiful and wonderful things I want in my life. I start to think about my children, Lancelot and myself. The imaginations I have are so wild and fun. I create far fetched imaginations but it makes me feel alive. My skin starts to shiver. Once it starts, i feel a tingle sensation though-out my body. It then becomes an overwhelming feeling over my skin.

The little hairs on my body start to stand high trying to reach the beautiful energy my body releases with these imaginations. I start to smile and relax my muscles so that I can grip my body with this sensations I am feeling.

I then start to think  negative thoughts. It turns from negative into nightmares. Ones that only envious people have brought upon me. Ones that I am not sure why they have even come to mind. I see mouths all around my head, shouting really mean and nasty things. These mouths are only making my head hurt from all the damaging words that are coming from it. These mouths are recognized from people in my life. I start to feel mental agony.

My skin starts to break out in cold sweat. My skin turns pale. I lay down on the carpet in my living-room so that I can get a grip of myself. I start to cover my ears as I dont want to listen to all the nonsense that I am being told. I start to cry as my feelings are getting hurt. Pain starts to run through my veins. I am home alone and have no shoulder to cry on. I think to myself, “What is this”? I start to feel alone and hurt.

My mental agony just becomes greater and greater. My face starts to wrinkle. My skin feels cold.

The mental agony is so overwhelming that I start to think to myself, “I need to change this”.

I know that in my heart, even if I change this feeling, people were going to get emotionally hurt or feel the separation in their way. I must change something. I must detach from them.

I close my eyes, needing someone to comfort me. I decide to tune out the voices. I start to think about Lancelot and how he makes me happy. I feel his presence in the room. I feel his energy get closer to me. I feel the love that is completely overwhelming. His gentle touch over my cold skin. I feel his warm, soft fingers run across my forehead, Running down onto my face, neck, chest, stomach and a gentle kiss on my navel. I smile as I know he is with me. My skin turns warm. Bumps overwhelm my body of excitement as I know he is with me in spirit. He has taken away my fear, my hurt, my mental agony.

I start to giggle.

I kiss the air, knowing that my kiss will go to him. I know deep down in my heart he will feel this warm gentle kiss. I know that he will cherish the kiss within him.

When I feel him, I know everything will be more than OK. I know that I have him always. I know that he will comfort me when I most need it. I know that he will always be there for me.

As I am the Goddess and he is God and combine we create a whole and NOTHING could ever separate the whole of one.

Everyone goes through changes within their lives.

You cannot stop the changes that are about to evolve. You can only look at them, learn from them and sense the feel.

It is hard when a change comes so unexpectedly that you are shocked at the way it made an impact.

When the change occurs within your life, you stop and think to yourself, “How could this happen”?.

We need to embrace the impact because this is how we will learn from them.

I have walked through many changes. Some where extreme and overwhelming.

I thought I had everything in order in my life. I had all the drama and hurt buried in a place that I knew would not come out.

Little did I know, the dirt started to scatter as the rain distorted what covered my pain. I decided that I would bury the pain instead of “confronting”  the pain.

Once the Pain became known, I had an explosion of pain and sorrow. It was intense and emotionally I felt naked. Naked in the sense that I did not know how to handle nor defend my emotions. I was not prepared.

I took a subtle hold of myself and meditated on the situation. I became more at ease.

However, the small group of friends that I once had, became only a couple left.

Once chaos came, they decided to abandon me . Abandon me in a way that hurt me the most. I needed emotional support. It seems when they needed emotional support, I was always there, but when I needed it, excuses where made or they were no where to be found.

I realized in life that the few good friends that stood firm and helped me out with open arms where very slim.

I found to see the truth in my “Friends”. I got to see who was real and who were fake. It was not the best feeling to realize that the “true” friends you thought were your “Real” friends, where never true nor real. It was a rude awakening for me!

I thought of becoming a hermit and to shy away from the world. I thought of giving up on everything. I thought I was not worthy to be around anyone. I thought that if I would disappear without a trace, this would help me to be a better me. However, I remembered the grave I buried and how it came back with much greater force. The only way truly to be happy, is to confront the hurt, pain and sorrow. Bless them, Thank them for the learning experience, and to move on.

It is not easy, however changes are made for the better. Even if at the moment, you see it as the worse change ever, up ahead in a place that you cannot see, there is something bigger and better waiting for you.

I know this to be true. I have found it. I have cherished it and I am loving it.

I love my new life, the re-birth of me.

I truly love you, Lancelot.

It’s funny how we all like to judge everyone around us as if we did not have faults.

We like to belittle other people while we are great and mighty.

We like to see what the other person does not have and see ourselves greater than others.

It is funny how we like to laugh at other people so that we may feel better about ourselves.

It is funny how we like to make others feel less of a person, while in that moment we feel more superior.

It is funny how everything is everyone else’s fault and we never hold any.

It is funny how we like to blame others for our guilt.

While other people in the world are all like photographs. We are replica’s of who the others are. We tend to feel “Better” than others, superior, and condescending. while everyone else has a taste of the same thing.

Have you ever wondered about your worse enemy? How we are all the same in some odd way.

It is funny because everyone around you is what you are.

If you are an evil person, you will only have evil people around you.

If you are a deceiving person, you only have deceivers around you.

If you are a gossiper, you only have gossipers around you.

Look at yourself. Ask yourself, “What do I need to change”?

Change yourself to whom you want around you.

You will see that people will fall off of your circle. These individuals will not be around you, because you are becoming the person you want around you. You will have new friends that will be more of a desire to you because they will be what you have become.

Try this test for at least 90 days without fail and you will see this to me true. You will start seeing results.

I get a lot of blog readers that ask me, “How can I find love, soul-mate, twin flame”?

Look at YOU first, see what “You” need to change. Change yourself to be that person you are looking for. That person that you desire to suit you the most. You will see and find that the person that you are looking for will one day come and knock on the door to your heart.

You will find the peace and love you so desire for.

You will find the peace you have always been seeking.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, “You are what you eat”?

Remember this phrase,” You are who’s around you”.

If you don’t like who is around you, then change who you are. Change yourself to whom you want in your life. You will attract more people like you. You will love yourself and those around you more.

This may be something that you may disagree . Lets write down the things you want surrounding you, change yourself to be just that.You will see that the current people that are the opposite of what you want  around you will have a problem with you. They will feel uncomfortable around you. They will seem very uneasy. You will find out, who are really true to you, although you might already have a gut feeling about it!

You will then see that a new network of people will come into your life that are more like you. You will see that you will have more people around you that you will have a more liking too. You will see your life turn around to a better place for you.

Give it a whirl, you will start seeing results.

You have nothing to loose in trying and making sure you implement this “New You” 100%. Don’t let anyone tear down the “New You”.

Always be you, Love you and most of all, Praise you!