Searching Lancelot

My emotions run like a wild cat looking for food. Ready to pray on all that looks edible. I look around to see what is in my path to satisfy the hunger I feel. One so overwhelming that I must satisfy this void. A void only I can heal.

I see myself this way because I see everything that unfolds around me. I am quiet about everything that happens. I act as though I am naive and have no knowledge of what is happening. I take my silence and suffer within. I feel as if the walls crumble and I try to lift the pieces.

One thing I know, is that my heart has become more of a rock than it should. My soul shouts for more peace and rejuvenation. My mind runs wild with thoughts and helplessness. I feel trapped within myself trying to release what needs to be unleashed. My soul yearns for new ways to feel free. My soul wants to soar like an eagle and become free.

Understanding life and everyone, everything around it, is very difficult at times. It can be heart breaking, hurtful and pure pain. Understanding the learning experience comes with time as the focus comes back in detail and to the point.

I hunger for a more stable and beautiful oneness with myself. Learning to deal with things myself has become a broken record in my life. When will the record be repaired? When will my life become stable to where those around me stop hurting me.

Dissappearing within the Universe is what I should do, but running away gets me nowhere.

I must learn to understand myself so that I can handle situations more smoothly and with less bitter. I need to remind myself that no one will Love me more than I love me. I need to learn that nothing in this world is more important than myself and my children. I must fight my own emotional roller coaster as no one will give a damn but myself. I must learn that in this world, I came alone and will leave alone.

Understanding life is a challenge, however a brilliant and beautiful triumph I will gain when I conquer the quest of knowing me!

At times, all we need is patience.

We desire to have a life that everything happens in a quick manner and by all means, we want it fast.

Something I have learned and still am learning is to have patience with everything we desire in life. It seems as if it were an eternity playing the waiting game, however it unravels and unfolds sooner or later.

I have determined the same thing about love. If we “Make” things faster then what they are meant, you can sabotage the entire relationship in a matter of moments. Although things may be set and placed in order, there are other things that may take time to experience, feel out and see.

Emotions start to unveil and you are able to see a little more clear what you want in life and what seemed to be the perfect thing in your world may not be all what you think it is. It either can be a lot more appealing then that you have imagined or simply something you decide that you would like to hold off for awhile until you are sure. Either way, you need patience in order to see clear and realize whats unfolding in front of you is what you actually desire in your life.

I have personally (As i am sure all of you at one time or another) have made plenty of mistakes and learned from them. If only we gave some situations patience, I am sure it would have unfolded a lot better than what it was intended. Things may have been a lot better than what you thought. Only patience will tell you the truth of “What is”.

Patience is something I have learned to grasp in life, although it is tough and rough at times but, I know that Patience is actually a bigger and stronger friend than I have ever thought it would be.

Patience = A stronger and better outcome!!

I start to think to myself, why someone so perfect like you want to be with someone that has so many flaws.

I am very demanding, I at times can be selfish and just hard to deal with.

I wonder if you will one day get tired of me and just say, “Fuck it, I cant take this anymore”. I feel as if the walls start to tremble and start to fall. I wonder once they fall if they will lye there forever?

I have been hurt so many times. I have been stomped on, beaten, and spit on. I have never had a solid support in my life.

My mother never cared, my father almost killed me and I have so much hatred in my family. Everyone talks about each-other, they act like they love you but make fun of you when you turn. My family starts drama just for the hell of things. No one really cares.

I have started to become the outsider of the family. The one that makes her own nest, the nest of peace and love. I get condemned for being different. Being the one that does not want to follow in their religious “Footsteps”. The one that started to resent and hate religion. The one that stomps and despises what religion teaches, as they are all egoistic people. The majority will not follow examples of what  Jesus did or practiced, but they preach, “What will Jesus do?” I have family members that are extremely hypocrite.  I am not condemning any of them, if they are happy this way, then so be  it. They are adults, they can do what they want to do.

Why would you want to be with someone like me?

You are extremely pure in spirit. You are perfect for any woman out there. You are beautiful. You are honest, caring and have a wonderful life.

I became a stronger person in life because of all the bullshit I had to see, hear and even experience. My life was not a walk in the park, but I don’t blame anyone either for my decisions. I learned from all the horrific experiences. I became a stronger person.

I am a different person. One that will stand up for herself. Express who she is, even if others “Judge” her.

Sometimes I feel dead inside. It is like I am fed up with life, people, family and even myself.

Why be with someone like me? Why take chances with someone that never had a normal life and all is so chaotic? WHY??

Why have a relationship with someone that needs more inspiration of just “Whatever the fuck it may be”?

You are so perfect in every way. You have no idea how perfect you are. You dont see what I see.

I see a man that is worth more than any emerald, gold, Diamonds or luxury on this Universe. You are every woman’s dream.

I can honestly say that those that did you wrong were so stupid and naive because if they really realized what they had, they would have kept you in a golden box filled with riches and love.

I guess I have never told you this, but I am intimidated by you. In a way that only my heart knows how to explain it.

You have nothing to lose, only to gain. You have no idea how perfect you are. You have no idea. I see it. I feel it and I wish I had just a grain of sand of what you fully have.

Although, I have a lot of hurt that has healed slowly, suffered in ways unimaginable and overcome it, and cried so many tears that would have filled the Atlantic ocean over and over again, the Universe sent you to me. I must have something of value. I must have something to give you because the Universe never fails. It gives you the most perfect gifts in life although we still question them and do not utilize the time to caress it, we tend to question why it was sent to us.

All I can say is that I love you with all of me. Although I don’t have a lot to offer, I can offer you the purity of my love to you.

If you are ok with being with someone so imperfect,that has disowned the majority of her family, Is starting over in creating better friends and being an awesome mother, than I want to stay with you forever!

You have no idea what you mean to me or my little Angels. We love you endlessly with no expectations.

I love you!

Sometimes in life, you have disappointments, sadness, misfortunes, and frustrations.

It becomes overwhelming at times when you have a lot of it at the same time. You start to feel overpowered.

I lay in my bed, thinking, picking apart and simply analyzing my life. I start to feel withdrawal of damages, hurt, pain and simply melancholy.

I start to mourn the death of the old me. I mourn who I was. I reflect on who i used to be.

Tears start rolling down my cheeks as I feel that I need to cut ties with friends, family and acquaintances. As I see that the majority of people are not who I thought they were. People acting as your friend, when in reality they are envious and always bring the negative about everything around. They play petty games to make you feel guilty to fill and uplift their ego.

Family members that use you in so many ways. They see you as family so you must give them what they ask or you are in the wrong. They have the least consideration for you because you are attached by blood and they feel that you cannot detach yourself from them.

I feel guilty, however I know I need to do this for my children, Lancelot and myself.

Demons surround me laughing in my face. They tell me that I need to stay connected with the old me. They say that I am worthless like everyone else that used to be in my life. They say that I need not leave and stay miserable my entire life. They start to yell worthless words at me. I know that I am better than this!

I hold my head up high. I say to the old me, ” I acknowledge the old me, I learned from you, I am stronger. I bless you and Goodbye”.

Light starts to shine over me. I feel a power of the new me. Uplifting feelings surrounds me, it welcomes me.

My energy feels positive, loving and full of joy.

I see the old wood rot pealing off me. It resembles the old me as well as the ones I am detaching from.

I feel the positive changes, it feels great. My life has become a new chapter. I am loving the new me.

I am ready to achieve and conquer this new life.

I will never let anything ruin me, hold me down.

I AM a NEW me!

At times my mind starts to wonder. It runs wild with  many imaginations.

My imagination runs with such freedom. It starts to create something that connects to the original thought.

I start to smile and sit on my living-room floor in a daze, one that not even loud thunder could snap me out of . I start to think about all the beautiful and wonderful things I want in my life. I start to think about my children, Lancelot and myself. The imaginations I have are so wild and fun. I create far fetched imaginations but it makes me feel alive. My skin starts to shiver. Once it starts, i feel a tingle sensation though-out my body. It then becomes an overwhelming feeling over my skin.

The little hairs on my body start to stand high trying to reach the beautiful energy my body releases with these imaginations. I start to smile and relax my muscles so that I can grip my body with this sensations I am feeling.

I then start to think  negative thoughts. It turns from negative into nightmares. Ones that only envious people have brought upon me. Ones that I am not sure why they have even come to mind. I see mouths all around my head, shouting really mean and nasty things. These mouths are only making my head hurt from all the damaging words that are coming from it. These mouths are recognized from people in my life. I start to feel mental agony.

My skin starts to break out in cold sweat. My skin turns pale. I lay down on the carpet in my living-room so that I can get a grip of myself. I start to cover my ears as I dont want to listen to all the nonsense that I am being told. I start to cry as my feelings are getting hurt. Pain starts to run through my veins. I am home alone and have no shoulder to cry on. I think to myself, “What is this”? I start to feel alone and hurt.

My mental agony just becomes greater and greater. My face starts to wrinkle. My skin feels cold.

The mental agony is so overwhelming that I start to think to myself, “I need to change this”.

I know that in my heart, even if I change this feeling, people were going to get emotionally hurt or feel the separation in their way. I must change something. I must detach from them.

I close my eyes, needing someone to comfort me. I decide to tune out the voices. I start to think about Lancelot and how he makes me happy. I feel his presence in the room. I feel his energy get closer to me. I feel the love that is completely overwhelming. His gentle touch over my cold skin. I feel his warm, soft fingers run across my forehead, Running down onto my face, neck, chest, stomach and a gentle kiss on my navel. I smile as I know he is with me. My skin turns warm. Bumps overwhelm my body of excitement as I know he is with me in spirit. He has taken away my fear, my hurt, my mental agony.

I start to giggle.

I kiss the air, knowing that my kiss will go to him. I know deep down in my heart he will feel this warm gentle kiss. I know that he will cherish the kiss within him.

When I feel him, I know everything will be more than OK. I know that I have him always. I know that he will comfort me when I most need it. I know that he will always be there for me.

As I am the Goddess and he is God and combine we create a whole and NOTHING could ever separate the whole of one.

Everyone goes through changes within their lives.

You cannot stop the changes that are about to evolve. You can only look at them, learn from them and sense the feel.

It is hard when a change comes so unexpectedly that you are shocked at the way it made an impact.

When the change occurs within your life, you stop and think to yourself, “How could this happen”?.

We need to embrace the impact because this is how we will learn from them.

I have walked through many changes. Some where extreme and overwhelming.

I thought I had everything in order in my life. I had all the drama and hurt buried in a place that I knew would not come out.

Little did I know, the dirt started to scatter as the rain distorted what covered my pain. I decided that I would bury the pain instead of “confronting”  the pain.

Once the Pain became known, I had an explosion of pain and sorrow. It was intense and emotionally I felt naked. Naked in the sense that I did not know how to handle nor defend my emotions. I was not prepared.

I took a subtle hold of myself and meditated on the situation. I became more at ease.

However, the small group of friends that I once had, became only a couple left.

Once chaos came, they decided to abandon me . Abandon me in a way that hurt me the most. I needed emotional support. It seems when they needed emotional support, I was always there, but when I needed it, excuses where made or they were no where to be found.

I realized in life that the few good friends that stood firm and helped me out with open arms where very slim.

I found to see the truth in my “Friends”. I got to see who was real and who were fake. It was not the best feeling to realize that the “true” friends you thought were your “Real” friends, where never true nor real. It was a rude awakening for me!

I thought of becoming a hermit and to shy away from the world. I thought of giving up on everything. I thought I was not worthy to be around anyone. I thought that if I would disappear without a trace, this would help me to be a better me. However, I remembered the grave I buried and how it came back with much greater force. The only way truly to be happy, is to confront the hurt, pain and sorrow. Bless them, Thank them for the learning experience, and to move on.

It is not easy, however changes are made for the better. Even if at the moment, you see it as the worse change ever, up ahead in a place that you cannot see, there is something bigger and better waiting for you.

I know this to be true. I have found it. I have cherished it and I am loving it.

I love my new life, the re-birth of me.

I truly love you, Lancelot.

Life has a way to show itself in so many ways. It seems that when you at your most uplifted state, something has to come and bring you down.

Today is a day that I feel this way. I feel the agony all around me. I feel sorrow. I feel pain.

I feel like I am on a path that branched off . I suddenly took the wrong path without realizing it. Once I started this path, something didn’t feel right. It felt wrong to even look at it. The air feels so stale. The smell is detestable.

My energy slowly dies. I feel the love running out of my heart. I start to bleed all over my body as if I were stabbed millions of times over and over. My skin became rough. My mind is irrational. I feel a sense of pain thats within and spikes slowly shows its way out. You can see where the spikes are slowly coming out of my skin and blood starts to drop.

I know that this feeling is not normal. I know that I have to get out of this path as I am not used to it. I slowly turn around to get off it. It knows that I want out. It try’s so hard to pull me back in, but I know that if I stay, I will not make it. I know that even though it is draining my energy and the love pours everywhere, I have faith that I will stay with at least a drop of whats being drained.

I know that a drop will go a long way to help refill this all.

I have memories of my past. I have memories of the wounds. I have memories of what needs to be faded and diminished. I know that if I have made it this far, I will be able to make my way out of this path.

Past is something that needs to be let go. You weigh yourself down from not closing this. Why sit and dwell on things when the  focus needs to be elsewhere,like creating your future. We think by creating pitty within ourselves, will make us feel some kind of relief. In reality its a relief of nothing.

When letting go of the past, you let go of so much more than ever imagine. Just think, being able to create positive affirmations would help you grow within so many ways. Why sit there feeling down when you can utilize your valuable time to heal YOU?

Bottom line here is that if you utilize more of what you want and believe, all is possible. STOP being negative.

Let go of the past, let it heal within you and start a new beginning!

You are special, you deserve the best. Remember, you can become the best!

Sometimes we go through changes in our lives and within our minds. We try to grasp at different things around us instead of within us. It tends to make us feel hopelessness, sad, or confusion. We then feel a void within us.  We try to fill it with different things we find around us. If we find something, it tends to feel good until it departs from us.

At times we feel as if there is no way out of our situation or we feel like we should end our lives or disappear. Trust me, I have had these feelings too and it is not a fulfilling one either. I know I had to sit in a quiet place and start to delegate a plan or solution. One that will help me be a better me without the negatives within my plan. This often helps to make my feelings better, more concrete.

I lay down just thinking about all the aspects of things. It is very easy to create an easy way out. It may be lying or being deceiving in some way, but then it never makes you feel good. Once you start a plan of being honest , assuring the highest and greatest good for you and the situation, it makes you feel better and it will create a stronger and better you. I never said being honest is easy but it makes things easier in the long run.

Emotions within seems to be helpless at times. Time goes by and its like an eternity of nothing. A complete black hole resides within, you feel as if there is no way out. You try to climb out of the hole and you feel your legs sinking in the blackness of it. Your fingers hurt because you grasp so hard to get out and you feel so helpless. Anything that is around you, you feel vulnerable and helpless. You try so hard to lift yourself out and little by little it works until you feel your legs being pulled back in. Until you have determination and you are determined 100%, that is when will overpowers the black hole.

I have been here in this black hole, plenty of times. Until I was able to gain inner power and inner strength, I would still be there today. I will not lie, at times I feel as if this black hole is following me, waiting for the time that it sees me week to get right back under me. It is not an easy task, however it starts by you loving you. No one else can help you with this. They cannot fill the void completely until you help yourself in its entirety.

Emotions happen through your thoughts. If we all convert our thoughts to a positive, we can change our emotions.

Be blessed!

My kids love Eminem.

I started to listen to his new music from the new album that he just released and let me tell you that listening to his music was such an inspiration. He not only raps/sings, he does it from the core of his heart and soul. You can really relate to his pain and the topic his songs are about. It is something that you think about and consume. Something that you can feel and have emotional sorrow over facts in life.

He has grown into something really real and awesome.

When listening to the music and his lyrics, I decided to feature him today in my blog because he is such a loving person with so much hurt. He has taken his lyrics to the next level and it is extraordinary.

I was able to relate to his soul while mine connected to his music. It was really outstanding to be able to connect through the soul into someones heart and energy that he has placed because it was like I knew him personally. I could feel his hurt, pain and disappointment through his relationships, friends and family that have hurt him in the past. He has had a lot of fake people in his life. The magnificant thing is that he did not let anyone crush his dream nor him. He became a better person by letting go and starting a new beginning, a new life.

People are so quick to judge and to speculate. In reality, he needs someone to nurture, love and care for him for who he is, not what he has or become to his status. I believe that he has a lot to offer and I don’t mean material. I mean that he has a lot to offer a woman that both can respect each other, love each other and comprehend one another. He deserves that and much more. He had such a rough life. He is going through so much anguish and pain. I am sure he has a lot of people that say they can understand his pain and try to provide him with great confidence however, I am not sure how much they really understand him.

I believe that he is the all time “Real” rapper out there that truly cares. He may not know truly all the beauty he truly holds.

I do desire him to prosper and be able to find his soul-mate or twin flame that will make him the happiest man around. He deserves that as well as she does too. I believe that he needs to continue to search his happiness within himself just yet. Once his emotions are complete and he is at peace with himself and all around him, he will then realize what a wonderful person he truly is.

I felt the need to express this because, honestly, he is an awesome person. Even though he went through a lot, he had to go through his experience so that he can become a stronger person. He was able to learn from his decisions and through his experience.

If I had the opportunity to meet him in person, the first thing I would love to do is to give him a hug . I would whisper in his ear how awesome of a person he is. I would pat him on the back and say, “You are on the right journey and I am proud of you!”

Keep up the good work and remember Eminem,( if you happen to read my blog) that you are a truly amazing person. You will find what you are so much seaking for. Know to do what feels right in your heart. If loving someone that hurts you too much makes you feel this way, this is not true love. True love is never mistaken and does not hurt. You never should settle but become very picky in what you want in a woman, it will put you in the right path and you will meet her and love her unconditionally, remarkably  forever.