Searching Lancelot

Mental agony

by on Sep.23, 2010, under emotions

At times my mind starts to wonder. It runs wild with  many imaginations.

My imagination runs with such freedom. It starts to create something that connects to the original thought.

I start to smile and sit on my living-room floor in a daze, one that not even loud thunder could snap me out of . I start to think about all the beautiful and wonderful things I want in my life. I start to think about my children, Lancelot and myself. The imaginations I have are so wild and fun. I create far fetched imaginations but it makes me feel alive. My skin starts to shiver. Once it starts, i feel a tingle sensation though-out my body. It then becomes an overwhelming feeling over my skin.

The little hairs on my body start to stand high trying to reach the beautiful energy my body releases with these imaginations. I start to smile and relax my muscles so that I can grip my body with this sensations I am feeling.

I then start to think  negative thoughts. It turns from negative into nightmares. Ones that only envious people have brought upon me. Ones that I am not sure why they have even come to mind. I see mouths all around my head, shouting really mean and nasty things. These mouths are only making my head hurt from all the damaging words that are coming from it. These mouths are recognized from people in my life. I start to feel mental agony.

My skin starts to break out in cold sweat. My skin turns pale. I lay down on the carpet in my living-room so that I can get a grip of myself. I start to cover my ears as I dont want to listen to all the nonsense that I am being told. I start to cry as my feelings are getting hurt. Pain starts to run through my veins. I am home alone and have no shoulder to cry on. I think to myself, “What is this”? I start to feel alone and hurt.

My mental agony just becomes greater and greater. My face starts to wrinkle. My skin feels cold.

The mental agony is so overwhelming that I start to think to myself, “I need to change this”.

I know that in my heart, even if I change this feeling, people were going to get emotionally hurt or feel the separation in their way. I must change something. I must detach from them.

I close my eyes, needing someone to comfort me. I decide to tune out the voices. I start to think about Lancelot and how he makes me happy. I feel his presence in the room. I feel his energy get closer to me. I feel the love that is completely overwhelming. His gentle touch over my cold skin. I feel his warm, soft fingers run across my forehead, Running down onto my face, neck, chest, stomach and a gentle kiss on my navel. I smile as I know he is with me. My skin turns warm. Bumps overwhelm my body of excitement as I know he is with me in spirit. He has taken away my fear, my hurt, my mental agony.

I start to giggle.

I kiss the air, knowing that my kiss will go to him. I know deep down in my heart he will feel this warm gentle kiss. I know that he will cherish the kiss within him.

When I feel him, I know everything will be more than OK. I know that I have him always. I know that he will comfort me when I most need it. I know that he will always be there for me.

As I am the Goddess and he is God and combine we create a whole and NOTHING could ever separate the whole of one.

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